"Having gathered to mourn his seeming demise, Wesley Snipes, Matt Walsh, Mr. Clean, the Kool-Aid Man, and ten or so unidentified people huddled around the legume-shaped mound of dirt marking Mr. Peanut’s burial site. A flower wreath encircled a framed picture of the monocle-wearing character, and a tombstone reading “Mr. Peanut APR. 1916 – JAN. 2020” featured an etching of his stately silhouette. As Snipes read a eulogy to the nut who had given his life to save him, the Kool-Aid Man let out a somber “Oh yeah,” shedding a single tear onto the grave below.

Much to the surprise of those in attendance, this tear nourished the earth, and a new plant sprouted—a peanut plant. From this rapidly-grown foliage emerged a top-hat wearing, spats-sporting, anthropomorphized baby-sized peanut. Matt Walsh picked up the babbling bean, which proceeded to make dolphin noises before announcing in an adult voice “Just kidding. I’m back.”

Mr. Peanut had returned."

Click here for the full article, available via Contingent Magazine.